I won’t deny it anymore. We all have days when life just pushes you to your limit and you just wanna give it all up.
Recently, I had this depression because something happened and it ate me alive. It ate my whole personality and how I look onto myself.
I was branded, “mahina ang loob” or simply a “coward”. WHICH I believe I am not.
It made me question a lot of things in my life.
Do I look like I am not mature to have an adult job yet?
Am I ugly?
Does this employer can sense my insecurity towards others?
Am I really not enough?
A lot of question clouded my mind and I just can’t help but to cry and isolate myself from the world. I even doubted how I look, how I carry myself up and concluded that yes, I am the ugly friend and my friends are all the beautiful ones. Somebody even messaged me and compared me to my friend, saying, “Gayahin mo si *name here*, gumaganda lalo.” and little did that dude know, its raising my insecurity about myself. I already overcome about this but then its coming back because of what happened to me.
I also thought that maybe because I was raised where I can get everything I want through the help of others, I cannot get a job on my own already. Again, insecurity hits me. Pressure hits me. Maybe I wasn’t smart enough or even street-wise enough, I guess.
I was judged by this employer as a coward but she didn’t know how dedicated I am when it comes to work.
I feel like I am losing my confidence, myself and lastly, my trust in God.
I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.
I started to hate myself, to feel not so good, to pretend to be okay when at night I am still depressed and just feeling dumb about it.
But then, I realized that no one can lift me up again except myself.
Today, just for no reason. I put on my usual make-up look (brows, concealer and lipstick) even if I am at home, just to feel a little extra. (Although, good news, I am loving myself now even without brows and concealer lol) I also put on the earrings that I won from Ram Jewelry PH because it made me feel great.
Today, I just listened to music and didn’t give a damn if its an old song or if its on repeat.
And finally today, I got the courage to write everything down.
And I thought, maybe I have to experience this kind of pain for me to realize that I am worth more than those failures that life has been throwing at me. That I need to learn that mistakes happen, we can learn from them and move forward from them.
Failures will definitely teach us the greatest lesson. Maybe we have to feel ugly first for us to realize that physical looks isn’t everything. Maybe we have to feel rejected first on our most awaited job interview to give ourself a chance to finally have the courage to apply in our desired company. Maybe we have to be called, “Coward” or some remarks that we know we’re truly not, to be able to prove them that its wrong. (In a good way, though).
I am okay now and I can smile again. Trust me.
During those days that I am down, I am thankful for my friends who messaged me and lifted me up for they know what I am going through.
Most of them said that, “It’s better to wait for the job that you really want than to settle in that certain industry just to find out that its not meant for you. Better stop wasting time.” They also said, “It hurts when you enter your first job and realize that you are just forcing yourself to enjoy it.”. Most of them waited for so long and they’re now happy with where they are because they waited for it. They believed that they are meant for the job that their heart desired and I am looking forward to becoming that.
They also said, “Remember, your first job marks your future job. Choose carefully.”
This also made me realize that in terms of choosing my job, I must choose it not because it’s what my parents want BUT because it is what I want and its where I will grow and be happy.
But if you already got a job, make sure that you can stay there but if you’re not happy anymore, then go away.
I am tired of pleasing others and listening to other people that are just stealing my confidence and happiness. It is now time to move forward, be positive and be happy again.
And I am starting it now.